Being Broken Beyond Repair

Being Broken Beyond Repair

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" Fairest? Pardon me I am not even fair, so then it must immediately rule out that I am even close to being pretty. 

The feeling of being broken beyond repair. Or that the inadequacies in us are never bound to be overcome. These thoughts do not pop up when things are all gloomy and depressing. These self-deprecating thoughts find their way in the most lively situations, like having brunch with a friend on a Sunday. On one hand, I can put all the blame on social media, the big brand magazine covers, commercials, etc. 

Even after being aware of the fact that those commercials and photos are touched and retouched more times than you drink water in a day. That should make our feelings of not being good enough to go away. But they just make it even worse. Constantly surrounded with images of perfect put together women as you open your feed, creates a sense of inferiority complex when you look at yourself siting in pajamas. 

Try this yourself: go on YouTube and type glow up. It will overwhelm you with the responses. So many people trying to coax you into watching this one video that is going to turn you from dab to fab. It creates this impression that a regular not done up face is ugly and a complete transformation from dying your hair to having eyelash extensions to gel nails all that then classifies you as beautiful. I get these youtubers are trying to make money, and so are the big commercial magazines and models. But this specific category affects us more intensely and directly. To always be camera ready 

Dying hair, having new nails, and putting on a cute outfit is more of a surface issue. The deep-rooted issue is with unrealistic body standards.

In the 21th century if you are on the heavier side of the spectrum you should be slim thick with a flat plasma screen like stomach and all you fat in your ass or boobs. Just magically transfer all that fat into those feminine areas. Or if you are skinny fit into the description of a high end runway model with yes again a flat stomach and long stick like pole legs. But one thing that remains a point of similarity is curves. To be like a wave for eyes of the gawking audience to slide their eyes over your body. 

I am underweight for my height with a BMI of 16.5 which is well below the healthy range (no I did not starve myself, lifestyle changes bought about this.) Yet when I look in the mirror, I feel I am not thin enough to be a model (again I don't want to be a model but this is the thought that pops up in my head) I can't understand how this pattern of thinking has been embedded into me but I just detach myself from seeing myself trying to fit into the template of a 'perfect girl's body'.

Skin color is something that is more personal and very close to my experience of growing up. I had a very close person of my family tell me when I was just 8 or 9 years old, "You look very pretty and you will be prettier if you had a fairer complexion." And when someone that close points out that inadequacy in you. No matter how much others tell you of how great you are, that thought always looms at the back of your head. I don't look at it as an inadequacy anymore, rather a challenge. A challenge to prove to people (I don't have to prove anyone but in order for the society to progress it is necessary) that dark girls can also be conventionally pretty. Wait, dark or light, even if you are blue like an Avatar you are pretty. It may not be the beauty standards that make it on the billboard, but that shouldn't be the determining factor. People become happy when brands include plus size models and women of color in their campaigns, but these things shouldn't be the ultimate goal. That if only these companies put a stamp of approval on our said body type and features, would we then think of ourselves as beautiful. 

In the end, if you had the choice to be fat instead of slim or dark instead of fair. And you wouldn't even flinch to go for the former ones because it wouldn't matter what you picked, you were going to be beautiful either way. Then we can say that we have in fact transcended the association of beauty with the physicality of the body. 

A man said this, "She's not pretty, but that doesn't mean she is not beautiful." Firstly huge amount of respect for this man. To admit that she isn't pretty and also to not blatantly lie that she is the most beautiful person he has ever seen. To acknowledge her for her flaws and inadequacies, but also not to forget that she is indeed beautiful despite all that. 

So when it comes on the issue of being broken every one is (I am talking in regard to the outward physical appearance) I too like most people behind the close doors of my room, stripped down and look at myself in the mirror and on days I can't see anything other than my flaws, the broken parts of me, the scars I got as a kid when I scrapped my knees and elbows falling off my bike, the stretch marks that are a testimony to my growth and development. All these are a part of me as much as my eyes, heart and intestines. I am not me without them. They are definitely not flawless. I am not flawless and I could be in the metaphorical sense broken. Broken beyond repair. But here's the thing I don't need fixing. No one does because fixing means you can't do without being perfect. I can do with my broken pieces and so can you. You don't need to fix yourself to feel and be beautiful. 

 

I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen

But I have my moments, I have my moments

Not the flawless one I've never been

But I have my moments, I have my moments 

- Moments, Tove Lo